23 May, 2009

First of all, I remain totally surprised whenever I write the year as 2009. I always double-check it, and as soon as I realize I've not made an error, my insides gasp at just how quickly everything moves. I see it of course every day in how long the kids' hair gets so fast and in how my house seems to be layered in dust and dishes overnight and then I realize that my 'overnight' has really been a month or two. Sobeit that 2009 shoves me back into reality every time I write it down. Honestly, I find '02 much more tangible.

Today the passing of time has slowed though for just a bit and I have an empty house, totally empty, and I am in it. Alone. I'm fairly sure (only to be dramatic here) that this has not happened since I've lived in Amsterdam. And for that, I consider myself very lucky. Most people in this world feel Alone and wish for company. It's very nice to have it otherwise. Even so, a day of quiet!? What will I do? It's 11:25am on a Saturday. I've made coffee, and eaten three slices of Rachel's homemade bread with jam. I've opened the windows to let in the cool air and warm sun, I've surveyed the mess and decided to let it wait, I've started to make a grocery list in my head. I'm stirring my coffee with a 'souvenir spoon'. I've started to collect them: little teaspoons with decorative handles showing a picture of a European city. This morning, it's the spoon from Ramstein Air Base. It makes me smile. I've never collected anything before and it makes me feel happy that one day I will be an old lady and my grandchildren-Godwilling-will be in my home stirring their tea with my souvenir spoons asking me to tell them stories about my life.

Or maybe not, but it's a very nice thought on such a quiet, still day.

So I should get to the point: I have sort realized that I usually don't have much time to think or to contemplate (probably a very good thing) so blogging for me has become sort of an impossibility. I just can't do it. I can barely now think of enough words to make up a status line for my facebook page. Twitter seems to be do-able only I just can't seem to justify telling the whole world the random things that make up my day: delaying dishes. working. helping with homework. need a shower. working. watering plants. Plus I don't have my own mobile phone (it is my husband's helpmate) for which I am grateful to God.

Because I have no words anymore, I started to write poetry again, trying to force a little bit of language outside of my head. The best part was that, in sharing a poem with a dear dear friend who remains the-only-one-who-will-ever-read-my-poetry-so-don't-ask, she shared one of her poems with me and it was just amazing, and it made me happy to be growing older with friends who can write lovely, metered poetry.

But today, sitting here it becomes obvious that I didn't so much run out of words as I ran out of space in my day to write them down. Words that rush out are usually the words that should remain shut up inside, and those seem to be the only words I was able to get to: the ones that come quickly, reacting to something or other, or stating the obvious. Now I have space though, so I have just written down a lot of words which-for better or worse-are helping me find pace in this: my precious gift of a day, the brainchild of my Eric, who noticed that my words were running out or slipping out too fast and who, in his really very sweet wisdom, decided to take the kids and get the heck out of dodge so that I could indulge in Alone.

Perhaps then I should share some of the fun from the past few weeks? You know, starting a new church is really a very strange thing to almost the entire world, even to those who follow Jesus along with me. So let me begin by saying that if you are going somewhere to start a church, and you get asked the question, "so what actually do you do for work??", you'll have to think very fast on your feet. Sometimes I try new answers other than the basic. Last week, when asked what I actually, uh, "do", I said that I pray and meditate and commune with God in order to be filled with His love for the rest of the world. And I tried to say it in Dutch, too. It was brilliant, as then the conversation turned toward communing with God vs what I'm exactly paid to do. But honestly, what we do here is so much in the doing and not so much in the saying that turning the people, prayers, struggles, joys, and fun into words to fall behind bullet points is very challenging for me.

But push comes to shove and we all love bullet points, don't we, as they show us where to look when we've not enough time or patience or interest in the rest of the words. So here is my bullet point for this little blog.

Last week, something very, very special happened! We've been doing lots of stuff around here. We run a small group for followers of Jesus which has been growing and growing! There is a group for men too and another for women, and a group for those who want to study the Bible to find out about Jesus a bit, and a group for those who are interested in talking about spiritual things like truth and faith and prayer but not quite Jesus. There is a group for leaders where they talk and exchange ideas across culture and very often say the same words with very different meanings, so then they have to dig in deeper together to find where the Kingdom of God lies in the midst of a group of American and Dutch Christians. So over the past six months or so, really, everything has been going swimmingly. And last week, we had our first of two (the other being tomorrow) vision sundays, where we took a day to be together in the city, eat lunch together, worship together, let the children do art together, and where we spent about an hour sharing the story behind this little burgeoning church, and the vision for what it will, by the GraceofGod, become. We had about 40 people come together.

I wrote on Facebook that some times life feels like Dancing with the Stars when it's really Return of the King. That's how it felt to me. Must I explain? Here we are, a group of people have given up life and grandparents and houses and yards and best friends and a church and jobs and retirement to do this thing here in Amsterdam called 'starting a new church' and sometimes, it can be very easy to forget that the reason we do this is because we have a very solid foundational life-theology that states that the Kingdom of God has engaged with the world, and that sadness and sin and sorrow and hungry children and skinned knees and orphans and parents who have lost will not overcome, and the darkness will never run over the light.

Last Sunday was a huge moment for our church, which is still in utero, still developing and taking shape, still being formed by God through us and still, for now, just gaining in shape. But last Sunday, a group of Jesus-followers gathered together in the city of Amsterdam, 40 people grown from 12, and we worshipped God. And I thought to myself, just like I think when I write down the year 2009: when did this happen?

It happens in-between school and homework and language learning and learning how to pay bills in Dutch and visa applications and play dates and talking with the neighbor and days at the park and bible study and new friends and homesickness and failure and bike crashes and bad colds and kids' doctor appointments and missing mom and skyping grandkids and befriending bartenders and culture shock and writing down vision on paper coasters and doing laundry and taking pictures and writing poetry and making meals for 15 and having gatherings for 50 and speaking a new language and being exhausted and having Alone days and it happens because the Kingdom of God Is At Hand. And we simply can not stop it, if only we relax ourselves and let the Wind of God blow us where He pleases.

What joy! I realize when I actually take the time to write down those good words! In the beginning was the Word and the Word was God and the Word was with God and so we realize that it is not our words or my words that make any difference at all: only the Word. and that Word has found His way into history and He is everywhere, we can see Him everywhere if only we look around.

Do Not Worry the Word says. Do Not Be Afraid the Word says. Come To Me the Word says. Hear My Voice the Word says. Come With Me and Walk With Me, Learn My Unforced Rhythms of Grace.

You've heard that before, right: unforced rhythms of grace?

Romans says that the whole earth is groaning and in expectation of the End-Which-Is-Really-The-Beginning and I sit around and whine about being tired. When scripture says "don't grow weary in doing good" I always thought it had to do with getting to the end of one's rope and deciding that doing bad was just easier. The older I get, the more I think it has to do with being sleepy. I have seen a giving into sleepiness take more people out of the game that doing-badness.

Anyway. There you have it. I've had some nice Alone time to reflect and to enjoy the Word. I should move on. Give my love to those I know, if you know any of them. Tell my parents hello. I suppose I haven't run out of words just yet, so perhaps I will be back before too long... for now, I will carry my teacup and souvenir spoon downstairs and do the dishes, quietly, and in the reflection of a city which I love.